The Evils of Hallucinations
by ntrophi
Summary: TSW. Chirpy bosses, insanely strong anti-depressants, threats to his job and giant, purple caterpillars. Just another ordinary day at the office for Major Elliot. Right? Cookies are waiting for those who read.


**Author note: Alright, number three in the series! Rock on! I touch on some of the weirdness I first found in "...Chocolate" but just wait til the next one. That gets even better. And I'll apologise for the procrastination in this one, but you can't just intro a new character without it!**

Don't own. Actually, Elliot's begging for me to release him. I'm gonna wait til Square decide they're missing him.

Enjoy. Cookies over there for you reviewers. Giant, purple caterpillars that-a way for you non-reviewers.

'Ok, there's nothing to worry about. Just go in there, smile nicely and announce that you're back after a sudden, unexpected vacation in the New Jersey wastelands. He _won't kill you,' Major Elliot stopped where he was, wringing his hands in worry. 'Will he? I mean, it's been three weeks. He can't stay mad at me forever, right?' He looked up for any kind of support, and found only the bleak, white wall staring back at him._

'C'mon,' Elliot pleaded, well aware that talking to a wall was bordering on the edge of insanity. 'You've gotta tell me he won't kill me,' The wall stayed silent, and Elliot panicked. He wasn't ready for this; even three weeks wasn't enough to make Hein cool down. The last time Elliot had seen his ever so slightly crazy boss had been 23 days ago, when they had parted on somewhat. . . uncertain terms. Well, uncertain meaning Elliot wasn't sure whether it was safe to remain in the generals company anymore. It was bad enough that he had left his notebook out for Hein to read, but add to that the fact that he'd been wandered the plains for the last three weeks, not even trying to make contact with the USMF. They had only found him because they'd been searching for a phantom nest. Instead of finding the hordes of enemies they had expected, the troops had discovered a more than dishevelled major eating beans out of a tin. They'd ignored his pleas for mercy and dragged him back here, given him a clean uniform and now expected him to just saunter on back to his job. He had even tried begging the council to shift him to another post, preferably in another barrier city. But they ignored him, saying it was good that he was back. Apparently Hein didn't like working on his own. _I'm amazed he even missed me, Elliot thought, giving the wall a final glare before walking as confidently as he could into the corridor outside. __Jerk. . . It wasn't that they didn't have a good working relationship – well, they didn't really. It consisted of Hein shouted, Elliot listened. That was about the extent of their rapport. It was mainly the fact that Hein appeared to have a talent for blatantly ignoring his second in command. It was bizarre really, and scarily admirable. How he could just pay no attention to someone who was around him nearly every second of the day. And now Hein was complaining about being alone? __He probably figured out that shouting at his door didn't do him any good unless someone was out there to listen to him, Life was not fair, and just to top it all off, he was thirsty; very thirsty. __Bleh__. . ._

The thought trailed off as he rounded a corner and came face to face with a strange sight. His desk was still there, nestled in that corner outside Heins office. But it looked. . . _Clean? Elliot thought, taking a step closer and examining it closely. Yup, he could definitely see his face in there. Someone had removed all his useless junk; the empty packets of pretzels, the stale donuts, the stacks and stacks of papers that he promised he would get Hein to sign someday. Even that cup with the mould growing in it had disappeared. __I had almost six inches! he thought angrily. __It annoyed him so __much! Someone would pay for this insurrection. Well, if Elliot survived long enough to find out who had done this. He let out an exasperated sigh and stood there for a moment, hands on his hips as he surveyed his surroundings. Everything was scarily shiny and new-looking. __For god's sake, someone even scrubbed that bubblegum stain off the ceiling! he thought, eyeing the previously pink splodge that had once been above him. He shook his head. __Great, now I'm out of a job. Probably. . . Wait a sec; why did __that bother him?_

He shook his head and walked to the large door, which was closed for some odd reason. No matter what Hein was doing, he always left his door open just a little so he could shout at Elliot more effectively. He was stupidly efficient that way. But now, it was completely sealed shut. Elliot raised an eyebrow involuntarily. Something had gone on here, and he had an idea that he wouldn't like it one bit. Still, he had better get this over and done with. He tapped lightly, opened the door and stepped inside. 

He almost worried that he had walked into someone else's office, because this could _not be where his boss worked. The place had sunlight streaming in through the windows, and everyone knew that Hein hated sunshine (It was on his "Things I hate" list, along with flowers, phantoms and cute pets) The surfaces were clean; there was no trace of the usual empty liquor bottles and half-scoffed candy bars. There even were vases, complete with flowers. Elliots jaw dropped. He couldn't be in the right place, but if he wasn't then why was Hein sat there behind the desk actually __smiling at him? __Oh dear lord, the major thought, taking a reflexive step backwards. Last time Hein had smiled at him, there had been a nasty incident involving alcohol and a notebook. But then the smile had been incoherent, and slurred. Now it was almost. . . genuine? Nothing he had faced in his entire life had ever frightened Elliot more._

'Major!' Hein said, a distinct friendly tone to his voice. 'So good to see you. Thought you were dead. Where have you been?' Elliot's mouth moved, but no words came out. Not only was the general smiling, but he was showing an interest in where Elliot had been. Someone had kidnapped Hein and replaced him with an impostor! That was the only explanation, right?

'I, uhh. . .' he managed to say, his expression still horror struck. 'Plains, stuck, New Jersey, vacation, sudden,' If Hein was confused, he didn't show it. He just nodded sagely, lacing his fingers together; that smile never disappearing.

'I see. I did wonder. We sent out search parties for you, but. . .' He gave a deep sigh, looking down at his desk for a moment. Then, he suddenly stood and was smiling broadly again. Elliot was beginning to think that he had hit his head somewhere between New Jersey and here. Something did not make sense. Actually, nothing made sense, but to admit that would be to take another step down that road of madness.

'Uh. . . Thank you, sir,' Elliot stuttered, very aware that Hein was headed towards him. He wanted to escape; he needed to, but there was nowhere to go. Before he knew it, he was encased in something else that totally terrified him; a hug.

'So glad you're alive!' Hein said, squeezing tightly. Elliot couldn't speak; a result of utter shock and the fact that Hein was a lot stronger than he let on. So he just remained where he was, slowly turning blue and wondering whether someone had spiked his beans while he wasn't looking.

There was a sudden knock at the door, but Hein made no move to let Elliot escape. Instead, he waited until the door had opened and a smooth female voice spoke.

'I didn't realise I would be disturbing you, sir. I'll come back la – '

'No, no,' Hein said, dropping a very relieved Elliot, who promptly scampered as far away from the general as he could. Finally someone had come to rescue him; someone who could let him know if this was some kind of a nightmare, or whether his imagination had really twisted on him now. He took in a few gulps of air, trying to stop the dizziness from felling him, and turned to the newcomer. His eyebrows rose involuntarily again, and he had to remind himself that gaping like a drooling idiot was not polite when you hadn't been introduced. It was a female officer; that much he had been able to figure out from the voice. Now Elliot's previous experiences with female officers had never been pleasant. After years of being forced to mix with them at mess parties, he had come to the conclusion that they were all either meatheads, or control freaks. Every single one looked like they had been bashed repeatedly with an ugly stick, and their ideas of witty repartee consisted of either moaning about the lack of firepower in the guns or moaning about the fact that there was the tiniest smidge of dirt on their glass. But her; the woman who stood before him now, eyeing him with a sense of indifference in her eyes; she was different. She had long, auburn hair tied up in a neat ponytail, soft greeny-brown eyes that seemed to just swallow him up. Even her poise and posture were different to the usual female officer you got. He got the impression that she was a rare one; a diamond in the rough. He tried to smile but choked on his own hormones and ended up coughing to death instead. _Great first impression, Romeo, he thought angrily, still coughing his guts out as Hein turned to the newcomer._

'Glad you arrived, actually. You're just in time to meet Major Elliot, your predecessor,' Elliot stopped coughing long enough to allow his eyes to widen. _Predecessor? he thought, looking up at Hein suspiciously. __He hasn't. . . How dare he replace me! Wait. . . If he kept having thoughts like that, people might begin to think that he actually liked his job. The woman held out a hand, an eyebrow slightly raised in a gesture of mixed disgust and amusement. Elliot shook her hand gingerly, trying to stop himself from grinning like an idiot. (Well, it's hard to grin while you're wiping drool off your chin anyway, but still)_

'Charmed,' she said, in a sarcastic tone Hein would have been proud of. The general continued to be uncharacteristic and didn't seem to notice.

'And this is Major Hershey. She was brought in to temp while you were uh. . . missing,' Elliot gave a vague nod, still staring at her. _Hershey, he thought, not noticing as she frowned at him and took a slight step away. __Name doesn't ring a bell. Not from around here then, All the more reason to become acquainted._

'Oh,' he said, trying to sound nonchalant. 'So you won't be needing me anymore?' You couldn't blame him for trying; after all, he still hated this job, even if Hein had decided to get a personality transplant. It all made a little more sense now. This Hershey woman had brought a female touch into the general's life, and the general was someone who avoided women as much as he possibly could. She must have locked him out of his office while she cleaned it and made it look all nice and girly. He could only imagine what Heins reaction would have been. The shock of seeing his office tidy must have been what had turned him into a scary shadow of his former self. To his surprise, both officers shook their heads.

'Oh no,' Hein started cheerfully.

'I was only to temp while you were gone,' Hershey said. Even her voice was beautiful. 'Now that you're back,' Elliot felt his heart sink.

'Oh. . . Goody,' was all he could manage in an unenthusiastic monotone. Hein seemed oblivious and slapped the major on the back.

'First round of business when you're ready; we're off to the labs,' He sounded genuinely excited, something that both scared and amused Elliot at the same time.

'If I could just borrow Major Elliot first, sir,' Hershey said, taking Elliot by the arm. He almost fainted. 'We need to talk,' Hein waved a hand.

'Well, I'm not going anywhere,' Elliot gave him a bemused nod, his expression not changing as Hershey pulled him out of the office and closed the door.

'Now then, major,' she started sternly.

'That's so formal,' he replied, trying to sound smooth but ending up sounding a little strangled instead. His throat was suddenly very, very dry which reminded him he hadn't drunk anything since yesterday afternoon. _I'm sure I can find something nicer than left over rain water, he thought, trying to look around as inconspicuously as he could while also trying to look as if he was paying full attention to Hershey._

'What would you have me call you? Drool boy?' she retorted, gesturing to his chin. _Just let the ground open up and swallow me, Elliot thought, feeling his cheeks burn with embarrassment. 'Look. About him,' Hershey pointed towards Heins office. Elliot scowled. Ah, his least favourite topic of conversation._

'What about him?'

'You might have noticed. . . changes,' Elliot couldn't help but feign surprise.

'Oh really? You mean he _wasn't a happy, cheery individual before? I must have missed __that,' __I'm getting better at this sarcasm stuff, he thought proudly, before almost wincing under the glare he got from Hershey._

'This is no time for jokes, major,' she scolded. 'Now, part of this is my doing, but it's mostly down to the Dihuldrin,' Elliots eyes widened.

'Whose suicidal idea was it to put him back on that?' he hissed. They had tried Dihuldrin before and it had not been a pretty sight. It was an anti-depressant designed to cure even the most suicidal of people. Trouble was it tended to detach the patients from reality; causing hallucinations, making them exceedingly perky and generally keeping them awake for twenty one hours of every day. It also didn't seem to work too well with Hein. He got edgy, accusing everyone of trying to kill him. In fact, it was kind of like how he was after a chocolate overdose but about ten times worse. In the end, he had attacked Elliot with a coffee cup after the major had tried taking him down to rehab to dry out. He still had the dent in his head.

'I know about last time,' Hershey said sympathetically. 'How's your head, by the way?'

'It's fine,' Elliot said, scowling. 'But I'm always ready for new, improved head injuries,' Hershey waved a hand.

'It'll be alright. Stronger dose this time. He's as harmless as a newborn puppy,' Elliot drew in a deep breath, glancing back into Heins office. The general was humming mildly to himself; or was he humming to the vase of tulips on his windowsill?

'That's easy enough for you to say,' he muttered, turning on her. Ah, still her beauty captivated him, even if she had just consigned him to a future of being attacked by kitchen utensils. How could he be mad at someone who had such a cute nose?

'It _will be fine, I promise you,' she said. 'And if you have any problems, just give me a call,' And with that, she shot him a smile that sent tingles up his spine and turned to leave. He watched her go, a distant, dreamy smile on his face. He thought the front had looked good, but the back. . ._

'Are we ready to go?' Elliot nearly jumped out of his skin as Hein spoke from right beside him. He glared at the general for a second, before glancing back the way Hershey had just gone. _Call her if. . . Wait a second! He scowled indignantly. __How the hell am I supposed to call her? With that magical, invisible number she gave me? He scowled darkly._

'Major?'

'Fine, let's go, whatever,' _I hate women. Even if they are stupidly pretty. . . He stood back and let Hein saunter on in front of him, still humming pleasantly to himself. __And life does not get any easier. . . He waited until Hein was a decent distance away (he didn't particularly want to be associated with someone who was humming the latest boy band song to himself) taking the time to cast another glance around. This tidiness was freaking him out more by the second. __How could the council let this happen? he thought, eyes resting on his desk. There was an inconspicuous looking mug sat there, half full with something that looked like water. Elliot's throat quickly reminded him that he was thirsty; well, his throat and the fact that swallowing was like trying to force a cactus down his gullet. __What harm can it do? he thought, grabbing the mug and downing the contents._

'Mmm. . . Cherry. . .'

'Major?' Elliot put the cup back down and scowled.

'Coming, sir,'

The trip down to the labs was. . . interesting to say the least. Hein spent most of the time there captivated by a small fish that was floating around in a tank and Elliot spent most of his time trying to convince the techs that the general was not insane. _Though it's hard to convince someone else when I barely believe it myself, he thought, shaking his head as Hein continued to try grabbing the fish through the glass. __Coffee cup head injuries, here I come,_

'Is he alright?' Elliot turned to see Sid eyeing Hein suspiciously.

'I have no idea,' Elliot replied. 'I haven't even been here for the last three weeks. The council just sort of. . . lumbered me with him,' Sid nodded slowly, raising an eyebrow as Hein banged his head on the glass and started to laugh.

'This reminds me of the cho - '

'Don't go there,' Elliot muttered, not wanting to be reminded of the Incident that had probably led to all of this in the first place. _I'm going to kill those Deep Eyes when I get my hands on them,_

'You're a little edgy, major,' Sid said, turning his attention away from Hein in time to miss him knocking over the fish tank and sending disgruntled fish spilling everywhere. 'Something wrong?' Elliot opened his mouth to reply, but paused and frowned at Sid. There was what looked to be a small caterpillar crawling across his forehead. A small, bright purple caterpillar. A caterpillar that was grinning at him.

'Buuuh. . .' he said, earning a quirked eyebrow from the scientist.

'I. . . see,' Sid said, quickly making his excuses and walking off; leaving Elliot no time to warn him that there was an evil little caterpillar making its way towards his nose. _Well, fine then! If he doesn't want to save himself, Elliot thought, seeing that Hein was now becoming more of a hindrance to the lab hands than normal. They were trying to collect the flapping fish that now littered the floor, and Hein was trying to "help" by stamping on anything that moved. Elliot could see the techs plotting evil schemes against his boss, so decided that now was a good time to escape._

'Come _on, sir,' he muttered through gritted teeth, grabbing Hein by the collar and hauling him out of the way. 'Time to leave the scientists alone,' Hein straightened up, dusted himself down and for a moment there, Elliot could see that old, familiar, comfortable menace. It didn't last long; Hein quickly grinned at him and went skipping back down the corridor. Elliot shook his head, making a mental note __not to go on a crazy killing spree just yet. He'd have to wait for a far more important time to do that. __Like Christmas, he thought with a snicker._

He was about to follow Hein when a flash of purple out of the corner of his eye caught his attention. He turned and gaped again. There were now many purple caterpillars and they were crawling all over the techs that were crouched down, trying to retrieve the fish. The caterpillars were. . . talking to each other, and doing little dances every so often. Elliot blinked several times to make sure that his eyes weren't playing tricks on him, but no. There were caterpillars there. _Those scientists are a lot weirder than they let on, he thought, taking a quiet step backwards; hoping to get out before they noticed and pelted him with small insects. Those caterpillars looked dangerous; evil. And the last thing he needed was to be killed by evil bugs._

Sid watched as Elliot scampered out of the lab as fast as his little legs would take him.

'I swear they've got the military on some kind of drug,' he mused to Aki, who was stood next to him. 'Because I refuse to believe that those two managed to survive childhood without some kind of narcotic aid,' Aki shrugged, trying to pull a fish out of her ever-so-expensive hair.

'Why are you complaining? At least they're not trying to kill us anymore,' Sid smirked.

'Give it time,'

Elliot couldn't help but peer over his shoulder every couple of steps as he and Hein made their way back to the office. He was getting the distinct impression that someone – or something – was watching him. He tried to shake off the idea that it was several pairs of caterpillar eyes; several pairs of _evil caterpillar eyes. And was it just him, or did it just get a lot brighter in here? __When did they paint the walls yellow? he thought with a frown, looking down. __And what in hell happened to the carpet? He paused there for a good few moments, just staring at the carpet as it swirled in front of him._

'Trippy,' he murmured, keeping his eyes on the floor as he walked and not seeing Hein until it was too late and he got a faceful of leather trench coat. The general had opened the door of his office and stopped dead. He was currently staring at something in the middle of his floor, and he looked completely terrified.

'Uh. . . Sir?' Elliot asked, taking a step back. Hein didn't move.

'Don't move, major,' he whispered. 'If you move, it'll see you,'

'_What will see me, sir?' Hein moved one finger and pointed to that very empty space in front of his desk, doing a very good job of keeping the rest of his body still._

'That,' he said, softly but very anxiously. Elliot poked his head around Heins shoulder and took a good long look around the office. He wasn't surprised when he didn't see anything. _Great. Just great,_

'There's nothing there, sir,' Hein shook his head ever so slightly.

'It's behind the desk. Go kill it!' Elliot glared derisively at him for a moment.

'There's nothing there,'

'There is! And I'm not going in there until it's dead,' Elliot almost dropped his head into his hands; this was definitely turning out be one of _those days. Hein was being weird and the entire room looked as if it had walked out of the 70s. __Those decorators work fast,_

'Fine,' he muttered. 'I'll go and check. If I find nothing, then you get to be _my lackey for a month, alright?' Hein nodded._

'Whatever. Just get it!' Elliot shook his head, letting out a sigh as he pushed his way past Hein. The general ever so bravely went and hid behind Elliot's desk, peering out like a small child.

'Don't let it kill you!' he whimpered.

'Whatever,' Elliot grumbled, stepping into the room and walking to the desk. The sooner he proved that Hein was a complete psycho, the sooner he could get a promotion! _General Elliot. It just rolls off the tongue, he thought with a smirk._

'Look, sir. There's noth – ' He looked behind the desk and stopped. There _was something there. It was a stupidly huge purple caterpillar; one with big, pointy fangs and scary looking eyes. Elliot stared at it for a second, unable to do or say anything._

'Boo,' said the caterpillar. Elliot screamed and ran away as fast as he possibly could.

Ten minutes later, Hein and Elliot were hiding behind Elliot's desk, poking their heads around every so often and worrying about what they were going to do now. Elliot could see and hear the demon caterpillar (as they had christened it) shuffling around and occasionally telling them to "stop being so wimpy and get in here".

'Over my dead body!' Hein yelled back.

'That's the idea!' cackled the caterpillar.

'Shut up!' Hein shouted. 'And give me my office back!' The caterpillar poked its head around the doorframe and grinned ever so evilly at them.

'Come and get it,' The two men whimpered and backed up.

'I don't want to diiiie,' Elliot whined. 'I've got too much emotional baggage to die now. I'll turn into a ghost,' Hein gaped at him seriously.

'We can't have that,' His eyes narrowed. 'We'll have to kill that thing before it can kill us,' He reached into one of the desk drawers and pulled out a pen.

'Ah-hah!' Hein said triumphantly. 'Our secret weapon,' He handed the pen to Elliot, who eyed it with sheer awe and reverence.

'Ooooooh. . .'

'Now, all you have to do is run up to it and jab it in the eye!' Hein said, gesturing by almost jabbing Elliot in the eye. Elliot nodded for about a second, before it dawned on him.

'Why do _I have to go and jab it?'_

'Because _I'm the general and __I'm in charge,' Elliot pouted._

'Well, I won't do it,'

'Yu-huh,'

'Nu-uh,'

'Yu-huh,'

'Nu-uh,'

'Yu-huh,'

'Nu-uh,'

This went on for a while. A long while. They were found by the cleaning lady twelve hours later.

'Nu-uh,'

'Yu-huh,'

'Nu-uh,'

'Yu-huh,'

The cleaning lady quickly got freaked out by the two arguing soldiers and went to get someone who (possibly) knew what they were doing. Sid had to raise an eyebrow at the sight that greeted him. Hein and Elliot were bickering – using no words other than "Yu-huh" and "Nu-uh" – and were huddled behind Elliot's desk in an attempt to hide from someone. Or something. _Damnit, Sid thought, rolling his eyes as Hein and Elliot began to slap each other in a girly way. __This was supposed to be my day off. Aki should be dealing with this, not me,_

'Gentlemen,' he said slowly, interrupting the fight. Hein and Elliot both turned slowly and stared at him. Then, they leapt to their feet, vaulted over the desk and cowered on the other side.

'The demon caterpillar brought a friend!' Hein shrieked.

'I hate butterflys!' Elliot whimpered. 'I really, _really hate butterflys,' Sid's other eyebrow raised._

'Interesting,'

Ten minutes later. . .

'Get the spider off me!'

'That's not a spider. It's a soldier. He's going to escort you down to medical,'

'You can't fool me, butterfly of evil. You and your insect friends are going to take us and eat us, aren't you?'

'I'm too young to diiiiiie!'

'This is one of those days. . .'

Finally, Sid (with the aide of half a dozen soldiers, some cheez-its and a big bag of donuts) managed to drag the two ailing soldiers to medical, where they were promptly knocked out with the strongest tranquilizers known to man. Having them delusional and unconscious was much more preferable to having them delusional and awake. He hadn't been able to find a cause for the hallucinations until early the next day, when Hershey appeared, looking most embarrassed.

'I guess we made the general's dose a little _too high,' she was saying as they both stood there, watching the two soldiers sleep like overgrown, drooling babies. 'Oh well. Live and learn,' Sid frowned slightly._

'That explains him. What about Elliot?' Hershey shook her head.

'I have no idea,' she said. Sid shrugged.

'Fine by me. Just make sure they don't get into anymore trouble. I have a planet to save,' Hershey gave a little nod and her most cutest smile. It always managed to get her out of trouble; it hadn't failed yet!

'Of course, doctor,' Sid stood and gaped at her for a good few minutes, that painfully familiar dreamy look in his eyes. He probably would have stayed there all night, if Aki hadn't been passing by.

'Sid?' she said, waving a hand in front of his eyes.

'Muh?' he mumbled, still staring. Aki raised an eyebrow at Hershey, who immediately dropped the cute smile and pretended to be absorbed in watching Hein and Elliot sleep. Aki's eyes narrowed.

'Problem, doctor?' Hershey asked innocently. Aki didn't dignify that with a verbal response, instead choosing to stalk off, dragging a complaining Sid with her. Why that green-eyed, cutesy-smile soldier. . .

Hershey watched Aki leave, before turning her attention back to the two snoozing soldiers. Excellent. So far her plan had worked as intended; leaving that cup half full of pure Dihuldrin and then hiding in Heins office, pretending to be a giant caterpillar had had the desired effect. The other one was distracted now and it wouldn't be long before the object of her desire was hers; all hers!

'And the world will not know until it is too late!' she said, before cackling evilly. Behind her, one of the lab hands raised an eyebrow.

'Uhh. . .' Hershey span around.

'Oh. I'm just practicing,' she said uncertainly. 'For a. . . a. . . a play!' The tech nodded slowly, backing up a few steps. Hershey flashed him a cute grin and turned back to watch her precious sleep. Soon. _Soooooon__. . ._

Elliot stirred uneasily in his sleep as a very dark, creepy chill worked its way down his spine. Even when flat out unconscious he couldn't escape the feeling that something very bad was going to happen. And knowing his luck, it would happen to him.__


End file.
